Freedom
by BSGaddict
Summary: When Sam asks Kara to marry him, she has some hard decisions to make. Set during the 'missing year', no spoilers for season 3. KaraLee and KaraAnders.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Sam's proposal took Kara completely by surprise.

Sure, things had been going well between them. They'd adjusted to sharing a tent better than she expected, with the minimum number of arguments. She'd only stormed out three times, and hadn't punched him even once.

She was growing to like this new life she'd chosen. Waking in his arms and making love lazily, without the fear that an alarm would sound every moment. Working at her own pace, fixing broken machines, without the pressure of shifts and reports and imminent attack. Drinking at the makeshift bar for the fun of it rather than to blot out the terror of close calls and the sound of your friends dying. Kissing him goodbye without the sick fear that she might not see him again.

She didn't regret joining the fleet. It had given her what she needed for a long time. But now – now she didn't regret leaving it. Didn't miss it.

Except on those rare occasions when she heard a viper break atmosphere, saw it flicker in the sky overhead, and then abruptly looked away.

But mostly she was happy. Sam made her happy. That first attraction had only grown as she got to know him better, discovered who he was under the brash exterior. She had even returned the favour once, when she'd had enough alcohol, telling him about Zak, and what she'd done.

Things were going well. But when one day they were playing pyramid, and she tackled him to the ground, and he looked up at her, flushed and laughing, the last thing she expected him to do was to ask her to marry him.

She hated being taken by surprise.

She rolled off him, scrambling to her feet, turning her back, needing some breathing space.

"Kara." Something in the way he said her name made her turn to look at him.

He was sitting on the ground, watching her with an expression that was both rueful and resigned.

"I'm sorry," he said. "That just slipped out. Don't run away."

She took a deep breath. "It just slipped out? Does that mean you weren't serious?"

"No," he said, eyes fixed on her face. "I was serious. But it was sudden. I won't blame you if you say no."

"I don't-" She struggled for words, her thoughts blurring. "I don't know what to say."

He pulled himself to his feet slowly. "Well, it's a big step. We haven't known each other for long. And I know the idea of marriage must bring back a lot of memories."

"It does." She smiled at him gratefully as he walked towards her. "Sam, I'm not saying no, exactly. But I'm not saying yes, either. I need some time. Time to think."

She opened her arms to him and he stepped into them, drawing her close.

"Take as much time as you want," he murmured against her hair. "I'll be waiting."

------

A few days later, she told him she was going to spend a few days on Galactica.

"I thought a change of pace would do me good. It'll give me some time to think about what you said, without any distractions."

"And get Helo's advice?" He grinned at her. "Or the Admiral's?"

She smiled reluctantly. "Maybe. Good thing they both like you, isn't it?"

The next day Sam walked her down to the raptor and saw her off with a kiss and a murmured, "Don't think too long."

"I won't." She grinned. "You know me. I never do."

As the raptor door clanged shut behind her she let the smile slide off her face. Took her seat, nodding to the other passengers, and closed her eyes, feigning sleep to discourage conversation.

As the raptor took off, she thought of Sam down there alone, going back to their tent alone, and dug her nails into her palms.

_What was she doing here? Why wasn't she down there with him?_

_Gods, what was wrong with her? Why hadn't she accepted his proposal? Why hadn't she jumped over herself to say yes as soon as he asked the question?_

It was what any sensible person would have done. Sam was a wonderful man. He was kind. He was reliable. He made her laugh. He was great in bed. He could deal with her moods and her temper. And on top of all that, he loved her.

She'd be an utter fool to throw all that away.

But then she _was_ an utter fool. She knew the real reason why she had backed away from Sam's proposal, and it wasn't any crap about rushing into things or fear of commitment or memories of Zak.

It was because the first thought that had run through her head when Sam proposed was to wonder what _he_ would say, what _he_ would think. If _he_ would mind.

The second thought was that if she married Sam, she'd be turning her back on _him_ for good.

Just admitting it in the privacy of her thoughts made her furious with herself, made her clench her fists tighter.

She had promised herself she was done with all this. Done with him and the way he made her feel. Done with her heart jumping every time he smiled at her, done with that hollow feeling in her chest every time she disappointed him.

She'd moved down to the planet with Sam to get away from all that, to be free of him. Thought she'd succeeded, until her treacherous thoughts on the pyramid court proved it all an illusion. She was as firmly tied to him as ever.

She had to do something about that, before she gave Sam his answer. It wasn't fair otherwise.

She needed to resolve this.

So when the raptor docked at Galactica, she didn't get out. She was going on to the next stop.

To Pegasus.

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**Authors Note:** Any reviews are very welcome as always.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Lee looked at the clock.

Another shift in CIC, nearly finished. Another long, tedious shift of watching and listening, with nothing to watch and nothing to listen to.

He didn't know why he was counting the minutes to the end of the shift. After all, what would he do? Go back to his quarters, have a shower, get some food. Dutifully fill in his pointless reports. Read for a while, maybe. Go to bed and sleep until he got up again for another dull shift in CIC…

It almost made him nostalgic for the days when the Cylons were chasing them every 33 minutes and he'd been running on stims and adrenalin.

It had been utter hell, but at least it hadn't been boring.

He shook his head slightly, brushing the ridiculous thought away. Of course he didn't miss those days. Miss never knowing if his next moment was going to be his last, miss flying out to face the Cylons with only his wits and his skill to keep him alive.

Not really.

It just took time to adjust to peace, after being at war for so long. In time this would all seem normal, familiar, comfortable. In time…he shuddered despite himself at the thought of years of this, of shifts and reports and dull routines with no hope of escape…

He picked up a clipboard and pretended to study the report, telling himself to get a grip. He was just tired, that was all. And lonely. He was still relatively new to this crew, and being the commander didn't exactly make it easy to socialise.

Things would be better when Dee transferred over from the Galactica in a few weeks. He was still surprised his dad had agreed to it, but he supposed in the current situation there was no point in sticking rigidly to regulations. He wondered if Dee had said something to persuade him; he'd caught her looking at him worriedly on her last few visits, when she thought he couldn't see her. He hadn't seen that look on her face since those weeks after he'd ejected from the Blackbird…

He pushed the memories away. He was over all that, had been for months. He was just lonely, had been ever since-

Only a few more weeks, and then Dee would be here. He wouldn't be alone any more, and these morbid feelings would go away. He'd be fine.

He realised suddenly that Lieutenant Hoshi was speaking to him.

"Sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't quite catch that."

Hoshi didn't blink at the request to repeat himself. Everyone in the crew was slowing down a little, losing some of their focus as day after day passed without sight of the Cylons.

"The raptor from New Caprica just arrived, sir. With a visitor for you."

A visitor? For a moment Lee stilled completely, almost forgot to breathe. Then he forced the air in, telling himself not to be foolish. It wasn't her. It was the Chief or Cally, or maybe Gaeta. Not her.

But his heart was still thumping as he asked who it was, so loudly he thought Hoshi must hear it.

"It's Captain Thra- I mean Starbuck." Hoshi smiled. "I still can't get used to her being a civilian."

"Neither can I," said Lee mechanically. His brain was whirling. She was here? Was Anders with her? He asked the question as casually as he could.

"No, she's alone," said Hoshi. "You're old friends, aren't you, sir? It'll be nice for you to have the chance to catch up." He smiled, pleased for Lee.

"Yes," said Lee faintly. "Where is Ka – Starbuck now?"

"She said she'd wait for you in your quarters. I can finish up here if you'd like to go."

"Thanks," said Lee, forcing a smile. Hoshi was a good man – and as close to a friend as he had here. "I appreciate it."

He walked out into the corridor, feeling slightly unsteady. He couldn't believe she was here. He hadn't heard from her for months. After that first meeting with her and Anders after they got back from Caprica, he had retreated to a safe distance, found himself too busy to leave Pegasus. On the rare occasions he had visited Galactica he only saw her at meetings, or in a drunken crowd in the rec room – anywhere with plenty of other people to act as a buffer.

Since she moved down to New Caprica he hadn't heard from her at all. He'd told himself it was for the best, that it made things easier, that he didn't miss her...but then he'd always been good at lying to himself.

So why was she here? Why now?

Part of him didn't want to find out. Was afraid that if he saw her, spoke to her, he'd just end up getting hurt all over again.

But he still found himself quickening his steps as he headed to his quarters. It had been such a long time.

------

She was sitting on the black leather sofa in his quarters, flicking through the book of poetry he had left on the table.

He closed the hatch behind him and paused, disconcerted by the changes in her. He'd never seen her hair that long before, and it was odd to see her wearing civilian clothes. He hadn't seen her out of uniform since – since before Zak died, maybe? Well, except for that Colonial Day party, but he tried not to think about that night.

It wasn't that the civvie clothes – the dark trousers and jacket, and the bright yellow t-shirt - didn't suit her. They did. It just looked odd. Not like the Kara he remembered.

"Lee," she said, putting down the book and turning to face him. She looked wary.

"Kara," he said, equally guarded. "This is a surprise."

She shrugged. "I was just passing. Thought I'd drop in."

"Really?" He sat down on the other end of the sofa, a careful distance away. "Just passing?"

She smiled cautiously. "Well, maybe I'm not quite used to being dirtside yet. I had a hankering for a few days in space. Vacuum and emptiness and stars."

If that was all she wanted then why wasn't she on Galactica? Lords knew Dad and Helo would be happy to see her.

"Why are you here, Kara?" he asked bluntly.

A spark of irritation crossed her face. "Do I need a reason, Lee? I thought we were friends."

Friends. He wanted to laugh. Typical Kara. She ignored him for months, and then just turned up without warning acting as if nothing had happened.

Oh, well. It was nothing he wasn't used to by now.

"We were, Kara," he said, watching her carefully. "But things change."

She met his gaze steadily. "Not everything."

Was she trying to tell him something? He wasn't sure. "How's Sam?"

"He's fine." She blinked, but didn't look away, her hazel eyes bright with challenge. "How's Dee?"

"Fine. She's transferring to Pegasus in a few weeks, actually."

"Oh." He couldn't tell what she felt about that, closely as he was watching her; Kara could be maddeningly hard to read when she wanted to be. "So it's serious between the two of you, then?"

"I suppose." To be honest, he hadn't really thought about it. He'd never really thought about where his relationship with Dee was going. He'd drifted into it, and now he was drifting through it, with no thought of the destination. It was what he needed right now, and that was all that mattered.

"Sam and I are living together as well. In our tent." She smiled ruefully. "Well, I suppose everyone's got to start somewhere. Maybe we'll upgrade to a log cabin in another year."

"Why did you do it?" The words burst out before Lee could stop them. He cursed himself as she turned in surprise, looking defensive.

"Do what?"

"You know what. Leave the fleet," he snapped angrily. What did she think he meant? "I couldn't believe it when I heard. Why didn't you tell me?" He hadn't realised until now how much that had hurt.

She shifted uncomfortably. "Because I knew you'd try to talk me out of it."

"Damn right I would have. We need you up here, Kara."

She laughed derisively. "For what? There aren't any Cylons to shoot down any more, Lee, or hadn't you noticed?"

"Dad needs you," he said fiercely. "Do you have any idea how upset he was when you deserted him-"

"Don't say that!" She glared at him, eyes bright and fists clenched. "Don't you dare say that! You know I'd never let him down. He gave me his blessing, told me to go-"

Lee looked away, suddenly ashamed. She was right; his father had given his blessing, even though Lee knew it had been a wrench for him to do it.

"It's just – I never thought you'd go," he muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. "I never thought you'd give up flying."

"Yeah, well, it's like you said." She sounded very weary all of a sudden. "Things change."

"Do you miss it?"

She made a noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "All the time."

"I don't get to fly any more either." Lee finally looked up at her. She was still looking annoyed, but her eyes had softened slightly. "Commanders aren't allowed to."

"Who would have thought that the two of us would end up grounded, of all people?" She tried to grin, but it didn't quite come out right.

He nodded. He'd known she would understand. It was what had first drawn him to her, all those years ago – the fact that she shared the same passion for flying that he did, that it was as essential to her as breathing.

Or it had been. Turned out they could both live without flying after all. After a fashion.

"It's not right."

"Well, maybe we should do something about that."

He looked at her in surprise. "Like what?"

"Well, I came up here to see some stars. Don't you have a spare viper, now half the pilots are down on the planet? Maybe even two spare vipers."

She was grinning properly now, with all her old exuberance. For the first time he saw a glimpse of the old Starbuck in her face.

He let himself smile back at her, feeling his spirits rise in response to that grin. "I just might have."

"Could they be ready for tomorrow? We could pretend we're flying CAP. For old time's sake."

"They could if I gave the order now." He stood up and moved towards the phone. "There have to be some benefits to being a commander, after all."

His chief sounded slightly surprised by his request, but they did have spare vipers, after all. And it would give his crew something to do during the long night shift.

Lee put the phone down and turned back to Kara. "All done. We fly out in the morning."

"Thanks," was all she said, but he could see in her eyes just how much it meant to her.

Gods, he'd missed her. Suddenly everything looked just that little bit brighter. He sat back down on the sofa and smiled, letting his guard fully down for the first time since he'd walked into the room.

He'd noticed that she still hadn't answered his original question, but suddenly he didn't care why she was here. All that mattered was that she was.

And he wasn't bored any more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

It was all so comfortingly familiar. The feel of her flightsuit. The sharp click of the metal collar as it snapped around her neck. Her fingers slipping easily around the controls. The crackle of the voice through her helmet telling her she was ready for launch. The acceleration thumping her back into her seat as she hurtled out of the launch tubes.

And then she was home.

Soaring free through the cold dark with nothing to hold her down.

She felt as if she was breathing freely for the first time since she'd stepped on to Pegasus. Since Sam had proposed – scratch that, since the first moment she'd got off the raptor on New Caprica.

At the thought of the planet she felt suddenly enclosed; even the loose circle of the remaining fleet ships was too much. She pushed the throttle as far as she could go and headed at full speed for the empty black beyond them, only stopping when she was far enough away that she could imagine herself alone.

"You're in a hurry, Starbuck," came his laughing voice through her headset. "Got somewhere to go?"

Well, of course she wasn't alone, but she didn't mind when it was Lee. The one thing better than flying was flying with him, although she hated to admit it.

"Just testing your reflexes, Apollo," she shot back. "I wasn't sure you'd still be able to keep up with me."

"You'll have to do better than that to shake me off."

"Follow this then." Kara turned a barrel roll without warning. Their vipers were so close that she knew she would knock his wing if he didn't start turning more than a fraction of a second after she did.

He did, though. She'd known that as well.

"Still pulling the same crazy stunts," he gasped when they finished the roll. "You're a menace, Starbuck. Always have been." He was trying to sound reproving, but she could tell he was smiling.

"Don't give me that, Apollo. I've seen you pull a few crazy stunts in your time."

"Only when you led me on."

"Sure, cause you're just a poor sap with no will of your own."

"You got me," he said, and they both laughed.

How long had it been since she had flown with Lee? Long enough to forget how easy it was, how much fun. Things were never awkward between them in the air.

"Ready for more, Apollo?" she asked, shaking free of the sudden melancholy.

"Frak, that sounds weird." His voice was wistful. "No-one calls me Apollo any more, you know. It's either 'Commander Adama' or 'sir'."

"Well, you won't get that from me. I never called you 'sir' without a major struggle when I was in the fleet, so I'm certainly not going to start again now."

He laughed at that, as she had meant him to.

"Not many people call me Starbuck now, either," she said quietly. "Oh, the fleet people do, when I see them, but all the people I've met on the planet just know me as Kara." She still found that unsettling. Used to be that Kara was her personal name, the one those closest to her used; now it was the other way round.

"You'll always be Starbuck to me," he said, and there was something in his voice that made her tense, that particular combination of softness and intensity that always spelled danger.

So she dealt with it as she always did.

"Enough talking, Apollo," she said brusquely. "We've got fuel to burn," and shot away from him as fast as she could.

It was true, though. They didn't have time to waste talking. This would probably be the last time they had the chance to fly together. Might even be the last chance she got to fly a viper at all. She had to make the most of it.

So she did. Pushed her viper to the absolute limits, going as fast as she could. Tried all the most extreme manoeuvres she knew – the most complicated, the most flashy, the most ridiculous, the most risky. Anything that made her adrenalin surge and her heart pound with exhilaration.

Lee kept pace with her through it all. Every twist, every turn, every angle. She expected him to raise a protest at some of the more dangerous stunts, but he didn't. She supposed everyone needed a break from responsibility sometimes, and there was a part of Lee that had always enjoyed risk, enjoyed danger, much as he liked to deny it.

Or perhaps he was just as aware as she was that this might be the last time.

After a while Lee spun away from her in a manoeuvre of his own, and she followed a heartbeat behind him, instinctively recognising what he intended. It had always been like this when they flew together; they'd never needed words, not even the first time they'd flown together in the simulators all those years ago.

It surprised her to think how much of their time flying together had actually been spent in sims, whiling away the hours waiting for Zak to finish a class. They'd only flown together for real after Lee arrived on Galactica, in battle or on CAP half braced for Cylons to appear. They'd never been able to simply fly and enjoy it.

Until now.

It came to an end all too soon, the red fuel light blinking on her control panel long before she was ready for it. She swore silently.

"Time to go home." Lee sounded as disappointed as she was, but he didn't hesitate to turn his viper and head back towards the Pegasus.

Kara followed more slowly. For a moment she was tempted to head in the other direction. To ignore her fuel light and just keep flying, away from the fleet until her engines failed and it was just her and her viper alone with the stars. Nothing else. Nothing to hurt her or trouble her, ever again.

But that would be giving up, and she didn't give up. It had been her creed for as long as she could remember. So she followed Lee back towards Pegasus, entering the ship without flinching.

When she landed she couldn't bring herself to move for a moment. All the bustle and light and noise around her was just too overwhelming, too unsettling. She wanted to be back in the quiet dark.

_I won't forget this_, she vowed to herself, as a deck hand opened her canopy and she lifted off her helmet. _I'll never forget this. Not one single second._

The deck hand unsnapped her metal collar and descended the steps, but Kara stayed where she was. Just a few more moments, she thought. A few more moments to sit in her viper and pretend that she was still Starbuck, still a pilot, still belonged here.

She felt the tears press and closed her eyes.

After a minute she heard someone climb up the ladder, and then his voice, low and concerned.

"Kara? Are you all right?"

She felt a stir of anger. How did he always know? How were those damned blue eyes of his able to see through her so easily, see what no-one else did?

She opened her eyes and sent him the cockiest Starbuck grin she could dredge up.

"Always fussing over nothing, Apollo. I'm fine. Now get your ass off my ladder so I can get out of here."

He looked at her intently for a moment, then nodded and climbed down the ladder. Kara could see he didn't entirely believe her, but then he was right not to.

It was a lie. She wasn't fine.

But she would be. She was going to make sure of that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Lee's afternoon shift in CIC was just as boring as usual, but it didn't drag as much as it normally did. Today he could pass the time by reliving every moment of that morning's flight with Kara.

He hadn't realised until he sat in the viper's cockpit quite how much he'd missed flying. The memories of dog-fights with his friends exploding around him, of struggling to stay awake on double-shift CAPs, had blotted out the older ones. He'd forgotten the magic he'd always found in flying – the exhilaration, the sheer joy of it, the sense of soaring alone and untrammelled, of escaping all your petty worries and concerns. The feeling of belonging.

He promised himself he was going to take a viper out regularly from now on. So what if a commander wasn't supposed to? They hadn't seen a Cylon for months, there was hardly any danger.

Anyway, he didn't care if there was, or if anyone protested. He'd been going slowly mad with boredom for months, and now he'd found something to keep him sane. He wasn't going to just give it up.

He silently thanked Kara for pushing him back into flying. He just wished they'd get the opportunity to fly together again, but she'd be going back to the planet tomorrow. He felt a twinge at the thought. Perhaps he could persuade her to visit for a flight from time to time. She'd missed it as much as he had, he knew that. She'd been close to tears after they landed, although of course she'd shrugged it off. She'd never liked to appear weak, especially in front of him.

-----

He finished his shift and went back to his quarters to find Kara waiting for him and the enticing smell of hot food in the air.

"You cooked?" Surely even four months of playing house on New Caprica couldn't change her that much?

She burst out laughing. "Get a grip, Lee. I grabbed a couple of trays from the mess hall and heated them up."

He grinned. "Good. I was worried you'd been replaced by a Cylon clone for a moment."

"Ha, ha. You're so witty, Lee."

"My humour's just too sophisticated for you to appreciate."

"I should have made you cook for me," grumbled Kara, spooning the food onto two plates, splattering the counter with gravy as she did so. "You used to be pretty good at it."

"Pretty good?" He pounced on it. "Wow, that's high praise, coming from you. The best comment I ever got from you on my food was a grudging 'not bad'."

"Well, I didn't want your head to get any bigger than it was already."

"It still wouldn't have reached the size of yours." Lee couldn't help smirking. She'd walked straight into that one.

Kara picked up a damp tea towel and hurled it into his face. Lee threw it back. It fell short, and landed directly on one of the plates.

Kara glared at him, though he could tell she was trying not to laugh. "That's definitely your meal, Apollo."

-----

After they'd eaten they settled down on the sofa, and Kara produced a bottle from under the coffee table. A grin spread over Lee's face as he looked at the dark brown liquid. That particular colour was unmistakable.

"Is that what I think it is?"

Kara winked at him. "The Chief sends his regards."

"Does it still take the lining off the back of your throat?"

"Absolutely."

Lee stood up. "Then I'll get the glasses."

The bitter taste of the home brew brought back a whole host of memories. So many evenings with the pilots in the Galactica rec room, joking and telling stories and watching Kara wipe the floor with everyone at triad. Sidling in knowing he had a whole pile of paperwork to do and shouldn't really be there, telling himself he'd stay for just one drink, and then finding himself still there hours later, staggering back to the bunkroom with Kara leaning on his shoulder, giggling drunkenly in his ear.

He missed it. Wished he'd appreciated it more at the time.

How were they all, down on the planet? He asked Kara, and she told him, about the Chief and his trade union and his marriage to Cally, about Gaeta working for Baltar of all people, about Hot Dog setting up a bar.

After a while the talk drifted on to the past, to memories of the Colonies. To nights drinking with Zak, the trip the three of them had taken to the mountains one summer. To family gatherings at his mother's house, to pyramid games they'd watched together.

It was odd, he thought, watching her face light up with amusement as she remembered some prank Zak had pulled. They could talk about Zak now. For so long it had been the forbidden topic, even the mention of his name fraught with danger.

But then there were new forbidden topics now, new names not to be mentioned.

Sometimes he got so tired of playing this frakking game with her. But he didn't know how to end it. Not without ending everything.

-----

They got to the bottom of the bottle all too quickly. Lee poured out the last of it, trying not to spill the liquid as his hand shook slightly.

Of course Kara spotted it. "Drink getting to you already?" she mocked, pulling both glasses towards her. "Maybe you shouldn't have any more."

Lee tried to pull his glass back, but she hung on to it. "I'm fine. I can hold my drink."

"Yeah, right," Kara taunted. "The last time you said that was just before you threw up in my lap."

"Frak you." Lee pulled a face at her. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Nope." Kara grinned smugly. "But I figure I'm entitled. After all, you _did_ throw up in my lap."

"And what about all the times you've thrown up over me?" Lee asked indignantly. "Must be at least half a dozen times, and you just laugh it off. But I do it once, and all of a sudden it's this big frakking deal-"

"Of course it's a big deal!" Kara smirked. "It's _you_. Everyone expects that kind of behaviour from me. But not from you, Captain – sorry, _Commander_ - Tight-Ass."

He glared at her. "I am not a tight-ass!"

She giggled. "You are, Lee. Sorry. That's why it's such a big event when you actually take the stick out of your ass. I have to record it for posterity."

"Give me my glass back." He tried to pull it out of her hand; she held stubbornly on to it.

"Better not, Lee. Who knows what you might end up doing?"

They tussled over the glass, and some of the brew slopped out onto the table.

"You're spilling it!"

"Let go then."

"Nope."

Lee thought for a moment. Then he pulled at the glass again, and while she was distracted, reached out with his other hand and pulled her hair as hard as he could.

"Ouch!" She pulled back in surprise and pain and let go of the glass. "Frak it, Lee!"

He lifted his glass, smirking. "It's your own fault for growing your hair. Far too tempting."

"Really?" She stared at him, eyes narrowed. "Then this is all _your_ own fault."

Lee had barely a moment to recognise the look in her eye before she launched herself at him. His glass went flying as she knocked him back onto the sofa.

"Kara!" he protested as the brew soaked them both.

"Serves you right." Her fingers dug into his ribs, pinching unmercifully. "So does this."

"Stop it, Kara!" He tried to pull her hands away, get a grip on her wrists, but she twisted out of reach.

Fine. He went for her hair again, but she was ready this time and she jerked back violently, over-balancing them. They tumbled off the sofa onto the floor, and she landed squarely on top of him.

When Lee got his breath back she was laughing down at him.

He scowled in return. "Get off me."

"Why? I'm just fine here." She smiled mockingly.

He glared at her and tried to push her off. Unfortunately they were trapped in the narrow gap between the sofa and the coffee table and he had very little room to move. Kara held on to her position without difficulty.

"What's wrong, Apollo?" she taunted, laughing. "Don't like being at a disadvantage?"

Exactly. He was at a disadvantage. She was pressed closely against him, and he could feel his body starting to react. He had to get her off before she realised.

"Just let me up, Kara. We're too old for this."

"Feeling your years, Lee? What, did you hurt your back or something-"

She broke off in mid-taunt, eyes widening.

Frak. "Get off me, Kara!"

"No." The laughter had died out of her eyes and she was looking at him with an expression he knew all too well. The one she wore when she was about to do something completely crazy. His heart started to thud violently.

"Kara-"

"No," she said again, and leaned down and kissed him.

For a moment Lee froze.

_What the hell? I won't let her do this to me again, I won't-_

He tried to pull his mouth away, but her hands came up to stop him, holding his head in place. He shuddered, trying to ignore the soft warmth of her body against him, her scent invading his senses, the sudden fire racing through his veins.

"Don't fight me, Lee," she murmured against his mouth. "Please."

He opened his mouth to reply, and she seized the opportunity, deepening the kiss and thrusting her tongue into his mouth.

Lee's control shattered. He groaned and kissed her back just as fiercely. Gods, he had wanted this for so long…all rational thought disappeared. All he could do was feel.

It wasn't until she began pulling up his tanks that reality came rushing back. He pulled his mouth away from hers and caught her face with his hands, forcing her to look at him.

"Kara, we need to talk."

Her eyes narrowed in frustration. "No, we don't."

"Yes, we do," he said firmly. "What's this all about?"

"I thought that was obvious," she said with harsh mockery. "What do you want me to do, draw you a diagram?"

"Kara, I'm serious!" Why did she always have to be so defensive? "We need to talk about this-"

She pushed his hands away and cut him off by kissing him again. Lee responded despite himself, losing himself in the power of it.

When she finally broke the kiss she was breathing heavily. There was pain in her hazel eyes now instead of anger, and Lee reached out instinctively to comfort her, stroking her cheek.

"We don't need to talk, Lee. Please." She turned her face and pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand.

"But-"

"We don't." Her voice was desperate. "Please, Lee. We're no good at talking. When we talk we screw things up. Remember last time?"

Something caught in Lee's throat. Remember? How could he forget? How many times had he lain awake, reliving it all, wondering what he could have done differently? He didn't want this to end as that had.

She looked into his eyes and nodded as if he had spoken.

"Do you want me, Lee?"

"You know I do."

"Then no talking. Please." Her voice was trembling now.

"Okay. No talking," he said, and pulled her t-shirt over her head.

She was right. They could talk later. Right now he was here, and she was here, and for once they both wanted the same thing at the same time. Nothing else mattered.

He wouldn't allow it to.

-----

The next few minutes were a blur of desperate hands and discarded clothing as they made their way to the bed, mouths still locked together. He couldn't stop touching her, half afraid that if he did she would disappear.

As they fell onto the bed he was suddenly afraid that this wasn't real, that it was just one of his all too-frequent fantasies about her. He closed his eyes, but when he opened them she was still there. He suckled her breast and she moaned and then swore at him, and he smiled. This was definitely real.

He expected her to want to go on top, but she surprised him, lying back and pulling him down on her instead.

He had waited for this so long that part of him wanted to slow this down, savour every moment, but his body wouldn't let him. Neither would she; she resisted any attempt to go slowly, pulling him to her and ruthlessly doing whatever she could to drive him to the brink. It scared him a little how easily she managed it; it felt almost as if he was drowning in her, losing himself.

He looked down at her, at the tumbled fair hair and the familiar stubborn face, in a kind of disbelief. It felt so odd to be doing this and really seeing her face, rather than seeing some other woman's and fighting to pretend that it wasn't her.

She opened her eyes as he paused. "Lee," she said exasperatedly. "Stop frakking over-thinking!"

He laughed and surrendered, pushing into her. Her whole body stiffened and she gasped his name.

"Kara," he gasped back, and her eyes met his and held as they moved together.

As their eyes met everything changed for Lee. All his doubts fell away, all the niggling worries that he was making a mistake fell away. How could this be a mistake? This was Kara, whom he'd always loved, deep down. This was Starbuck, his other half. This was where he belonged, where he was supposed to be.

Finally she broke around him, moaning his name, and it shattered the last of his control. He followed her, and even as everything faded around him he kept his eyes fixed on hers.

-----

Afterwards she fell asleep, her head resting on his shoulder. Lee knew he should wake her, knew they needed to talk, but he couldn't quite bring himself to do it. She looked so peaceful, so contented – he couldn't ever remember ever seeing her look that way before. He didn't want to spoil that, or the shining glory of what had just happened between them.

So he settled back on the pillows, pulling her closer against him. She murmured in her sleep and buried her face against his neck. He took a deep breath of contentment and let his mind drift, ignoring the worries lurking at the back of his head.

All that mattered was that they were here together, he thought firmly. Everything else – Dee, Sam, their past - were minor complications. They'd manage. They'd talk tomorrow, sort it all out.

But still his hand tightened instinctively on her shoulder as he fell asleep, and his final thought was to hope that she was still there in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Kara woke first.

For a moment she lay still, watching Lee sleep. He looked so different like this – less bitter, less cynical, all that fierce intelligence leashed. More like the earnest young man she had first met on Caprica so many years ago.

She fought briefly with the temptation to just stay where she was, to lie down and curl her body against his and see where it took her.

But she knew where it would take her, and she knew better than to go there.

She had to make sure she didn't. After all, that was what she had come to the Pegasus to do.

So she took a last, lingering look at him, and then slipped out of the bed, careful not to wake him. Gathered up her scattered clothes, and slipped into the bathroom, not taking a deep breath until the door was firmly locked behind her.

She showered and dressed, not caring now how much noise she made. Keeping her mind carefully blank.

When she was finished, she stared at her face in the mirror, preparing herself. Packing Kara tightly away, and letting Starbuck take centre stage.

Starbuck could do this. She was tough, ruthless, an exploiter of weakness.

And it had to be done. She couldn't bear this any more. Couldn't bear feeling this way, being so weak, so dependent on the emotions of someone else. She'd sworn long ago never to let anyone have such power over her again, and she meant to keep that vow.

However much it hurt.

It couldn't be helped. If you were caught in a trap, you had to get out, even if it meant gnawing your own leg off.

Or somebody else's.

She closed her eyes briefly, resenting the moment of weakness. Gods, why did he always afflict her this way? It was as if he was an infection, crawling through her blood, dragging her down, sapping her resistance.

Well, no more.

Kill or cure.

-----

He was sitting on the sofa, wearing a pair of sweatpants, head back and eyes closed. His eyes opened as he heard her close the bathroom door behind her, and widened as he saw she was fully dressed.

"Going somewhere, Kara?"

It sounded light, but she saw the flicker of anxiety cross his face.

_Ah, you know me too well, Lee. You know the warning signs, even if you never pay attention to them._

"Yes." Point of no return. She took a deep breath, saying goodbye silently in her head; not just to him, but to part of herself as well. "I'm going back to the planet. Back to New Caprica."

Silence. She made herself look at him, look at his face as her words sank in. She refused to hide from the consequences of what she was doing.

She didn't see much before he slammed his mask down. That damned protective mask of his that she had never been able to see through. Strangely, what she saw in that brief second wasn't anger or denial, just bitterness with a twist of self-mockery. As if he had known all along that this was all too good to be true, just as she had.

The anger was there too, though. It burst out when he spoke, searing her from the other side of the room.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Just what it sounds like," she jibed. "Gods, Lee, it doesn't take much to scramble your brain, does it? Dee obviously doesn't know her stuff-"

His face tightened even further. She could practically see the pulse in his throat jumping.

"Don't try to distract me, Kara. What do you mean?"

She raised her chin defiantly. "I'm going back to the planet. To Sam. For good."

For a flicker of a moment his mask faltered, and Kara saw a look of such devastation that her heart caught. But the next moment his defences were back up, and the scorching anger returned.

"I should have expected something like this." He laughed bitterly. "Running away again, Kara? Tell me, how long am I supposed to wait this time before you come back? A week? A month? A year?"

"I'm not coming back."

"Yeah, right." He laughed again, with an edge that grated on her ears. "Don't kid yourself, Kara. You always come back. Every time you do this. Doesn't matter how far you go, how long you're gone – you always come back."

He was right. She always had. Always drawn back to him, like a planet circling on its orbit. But not any more. She was blowing this twisted little solar system of theirs wide apart.

"Not this time, Lee." She made her voice as hard as she could. "You see, this time I'm not running away. I'm running _to_."

"To what?" he sneered, rising to his feet. "To your pathetic tent town on that mudball planet? To your toy-boy pyramid player? To your – what did you call him, Kara? – your hot young thing?"

"Actually, I call him my fiancé." Time for the knock-out blow. "My husband to be."

It worked. He physically staggered. "What?"

"Sam asked me to marry him." Kara placed her words with the precise accuracy of a targeting system. "I said yes."

His mask tore completely. He stared at her, the pain so raw in his face that Kara felt embarrassed to look at him. But she didn't turn away. Didn't even flinch.

"I don't believe you," he said, but his voice lacked conviction.

"It's true."

"If it's true, then why are you here?" He was rolling from the punch now, back on the offensive. "Why aren't you down there with him? And what the hell was all this?" He waved his hand angrily, taking in the tangled sheets, his scattered clothing, the scent of them still thick in the air…Kara dug her nails into her palms.

"This was goodbye."

"Goodbye?" His voice was raw with disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about?"

She made her voice careless, slightly pitying. "Consider it a farewell gift."

"A gift?"

"I thought it might make this easier for you. Now you've had me, Lee. You can finally get me out of your system."

She looked at his confused, resistant face and made herself laugh. A harsh, ruthless Starbuck laugh.

"Did you think I don't know how you feel about me, Lee? Did you think it was some big secret?"

The anger was fading now; he was looking at her with something close to horror. "Kara, don't-"

"It's no secret, Lee. The way you look at me – it's so obvious that the whole fleet knows. They've probably been placing bets on how long it would be before I put you out of your misery."

"So I want you," he fired back, recovering himself slightly. He'd always been stubborn. "I'm hardly alone in that."

"You don't just want me. You love me."

The forbidden words. She felt almost giddy, finally saying them.

Lee went pale, but he didn't deny it.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, Lee. I understand." She smiled, dripping with false sympathy. "It's really quite touching, how constant you've been. All these years you've been waiting, since before Zak died even, waiting and hoping I would turn to you instead-"

"Kara, stop it!"

Those words finally broke him. He sprang forward, pushing her into the wall, pinning her body with his.

"Stop it!" His anguished eyes bored into hers, and his breath was hot and ragged against her face. "Why are you doing this, Kara?"

She forced herself to block out the feeling of his body against hers, the memories of last night it aroused. Forced that betraying weakness deep down.

"I'm doing this because I have to, Lee. Because I don't love you." She was amazed at how calm her voice sounded.

His grip on her wrists faltered. "What?"

The look in his eyes made her shrivel up inside, but she forced down the revulsion at what she was doing, forced herself to go on.

"I don't love you, Lee. Not that way. I never have." She sounded convincing, even to herself. "I love Sam. And I'm going to marry him."

"I don't believe you." Something snapped in his eyes, and he kissed her, fierce and desperate, brutally crushing her mouth against his.

She let him, not protesting even when he drew blood. She was breathing heavily when he finally released her, and he saw it with angry triumph.

"Are you going to pretend you didn't want that, Kara? Didn't want to frak me last night?"

"No," she said, wiping the blood off her lip. "I wanted you, Lee. I've wanted to frak you for a long time. But I don't want anything deeper than that. Not from you."

His mouth twisted and he looked away from her. He's beginning to believe, she thought.

"Are you telling me that all this – that last night meant nothing to you?"

She heard the anguish in his voice and was abruptly furious with him.

_Why do you let me do this to you, Lee? Why do you open yourself up to me like this? Don't you know I'm dangerous? Not to be trusted? Place your heart in my hand and I'll crush it, one way or another. You know that. What more do I have to do to drive you away?_

"You know it didn't, Lee. I just wanted a good lay. Nothing more. I told you that the last time, too. You just don't listen."

He jerked away from her as if the touch of her skin scalded him. Retreated across the room, turning his back as if even the sight of her was too much.

She watched his taut back, heart heavy in her chest.

_It's for the best, Lee. You'll see that one day._

"So what was this?" he said finally, voice shaking. "A pity frak?"

"That's a harsh word to use. I just thought – it might make things easier. Help you to move on."

"Move on?"

"With Dee. She's good for you, Lee. You should stick with her."

"Should I?" His voice was strengthening now. "Well, maybe I don't give a damn what you think, Kara."

_That's it, Lee. Get angry. Rage at me. Don't let this break you. Please._

He turned round, and his mask was back in place. His face was closed, armed against her.

"You love Anders? Fine, Kara. Marry him, then. Settle down in your little tent." He smiled viciously. "I'll be interested to see how long it takes before you frak it all up."

It cut at her despite herself. "Lee-"

"Because you _will_ frak it up, Kara. You always do. You can't help yourself. You'll push him until he breaks, until he decides it's not worth the bother any more and leaves you."

"No, he won't."

Lee laughed, stalking back towards her. "Don't delude yourself, Kara. He won't be able to put up with you, no-one can. Sure he loves Starbuck, the hotshot pilot, his brave rescuer – but does he love Kara? Does he even _know _Kara?"

Her hands were shaking. "Shut up."

"Why? Have I struck a nerve?" He stopped in front of her, staring at her with eyes that were bright and merciless. "I have, haven't I? Because deep down you know that you're empty and rotten at the core, that you're not worth loving-"

"Stop it!" She couldn't bear any more. Couldn't bear that relentless voice dragging out all her secret fears. She struck out instinctively and felt her fist connect, the brutal smack of flesh against bone.

Lee stepped back, clutching his jaw. His eyes gleamed with bitter triumph.

"The truth hurts, doesn't it Kara?"

"I don't have to listen to this." She had to leave now, before he said anything else – before he cracked her defences completely. "I'm going."

"Fine. Go. But Kara-"

She looked at him involuntarily and saw all the angry triumph gone, his face hard and stony.

"Don't come back and expect me to pick up the pieces. Not this time. I'm done with you."

At the finality of those words, something broke within her, and she almost caved in. Almost took her words back, begged him to forgive her. Almost.

She was stronger than that. She'd learnt survival in a hard school.

"Fine, Lee. Because I'm done with you too."

-----

She slammed the hatch behind her and managed three steps before she had to stop and lean her head against the wall, gasping with deep jagged breaths. She felt as if he had sliced her open.

She should have known that she couldn't break free of him without getting mauled in the process.

She should feel angry. She should feel relieved.

Instead she just felt empty, and hollow. All she could hear was his voice telling her she was rotten at the core, all she could see was the terrible look in his eyes when she told him she didn't love him.

Kill or cure.

Something had been killed in that room. She knew it had been necessary, knew she shouldn't want it back.

But at the moment she did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Lee stared at the hatch as it clanged shut behind Kara. Then he let out a howl of pain and frustration and slammed his fist into it.

It didn't help.

He stared down at his bleeding knuckles and slowly walked into the bathroom to run his hand under the tap.

He looked down to see long blonde hairs in the basin and abruptly turned and walked out again, hand dripping.

Keeping his eyes carefully averted from the mess of the bed, he opened a cupboard and poured himself a glass of ambrosia. He lifted the glass and knocked it back in one swallow.

That didn't help either.

He took the glass and bottle over to the couch and sank down, feeling utterly exhausted, as if he'd gone ten rounds in the boxing ring.

He closed his eyes, but all he could see behind his lids was Kara's stricken face when he told her she wasn't worth loving.

He'd gone too far with that comment. He should never have used what little he knew about her childhood demons against her. He'd known that even as he spoke the words, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. All he'd cared about was ripping her open, hurting her as much as she'd hurt him.

_I don't love you, Lee._

The pain tore at him afresh, even though he knew he shouldn't be surprised. She'd never said she loved him, or even hinted at it. He didn't know why he'd thought there was even a chance that she might. It was just – the way that she looked at him, sometimes-

He laughed harshly and poured himself another glass of ambrosia.

A few looks. Gods, he was pathetic. What were a few looks against the way she treated Anders?

She'd risked her life to go back to Caprica and save him. She'd left the fleet to set up home with him.

She'd given up her flying.

Lee knew she would never have done that for him - not that he would ever have asked her to.

But she had given it up for Anders. That proved how much she loved him more than a million words ever could.

He'd been a fool to hope otherwise. But he had. Even after she resigned and went to New Caprica, some secret part of him had refused to believe she was gone for good. Had been sure that the pull of flying, of the fleet would be too much and that she'd leave Anders and come back home. Back to him.

For a few hours last night, he'd thought she had.

He should have known better. Should have known better than to let her under his guard again, open himself up to her again. Every time he tried it she hurt him, pushed him away. And every time he picked himself up and waited for her to come back so he could try again.

No more. He'd meant it when he told her he was done. He couldn't cope with the pain any more. Anything was preferable.

Let her go back to Anders, marry him, start a new life.

He could start a new life of his own – although he wasn't quite sure how. Kara had filled up so much of his life that he wasn't quite sure what it would look like without her in it.

He was afraid it might be dim and drab. And lonely.

But then he was used to being alone. It wasn't so bad. It was better than this terrible jagged pressure in his chest, as if something was about to tear open and burst.

He'd just go back behind his walls. It might be lonely there, but it was safe too. Familiar. Maybe even comfortable, after a while.

He wouldn't risk coming out again. Not for anyone.

-----

Kara only had to wait fifteen minutes in the hangar bay while they prepared the raptor for take-off, but it seemed like fifteen hours.

She paced restlessly while she waited, eyes fixed on the hatch. Afraid every moment to see a familiar dark head appear through it.

She was fairly sure he wouldn't come. She had pushed him away as hard as she could, burnt her bridges as thoroughly as possible.

But one never knew with Lee. He was nothing if not stubborn. And if he followed her here – if he tried to persuade her to change her mind – if he touched her – she was terrified that she might fall apart and give in to him.

She was too vulnerable when it came to him. Always had been. It was why she had to leave.

-----

He didn't come. Kara breathed a sigh of relief as the raptor left Pegasus, relaxing for the first time since she had left Lee's quarters.

Gods, she was tired. She closed her eyes.

Mistake. All she could see in the darkness was Lee's devastated face.

She wished she hadn't had to hurt him, but she'd had no choice. She had to stay away from him, and the only way to make sure of that was to sever their relationship completely. Make sure that he'd never come after her. Make sure that she didn't have the option of returning.

No matter how much she was tempted.

It was just too dangerous. Love was dangerous. She had always known that.

If you loved someone too much, too intensely, you laid yourself open to them. And that only led to a world of pain.

One day you might be hugged and cherished, told how special you were; the next you might be nursing a broken heart and broken fingers.

The only way to make love safe was to keep it simple, keep it easy. Not to care too much. To find someone who wouldn't rip you apart if they left, or if they turned on you.

Okay, so it wasn't perfect. So there was always something missing. So being safe meant compromise, contentment was sometimes a little dull. You might not hit the lows, but you didn't reach the highs either.

But at least you weren't trapped, a prisoner of someone else's emotions.

At least you were free.

-----

Back on New Caprica, she headed for their tent, almost running in her hurry. She needed to see Sam, to feel his arms around her.

Much to her relief, he was outside their tent, fixing one of the ropes in place. He stood as he saw her, the mallet he was using dropping to the ground, a smile of delight breaking across his face.

"Kara!"

She went straight into his arms, drawing him close, pulling his mouth down to hers. "Sam."

The kiss was warm, tender, loving. She didn't feel as if she were catching fire, or as if she would die if he stopped touching her. That was a good thing.

"What are you doing back so early?" He drew back to look down at her, still smiling. "I wasn't expecting you for a few more days."

She shrugged. "I did all I had to do." She looked up and met his eyes. "Did all the thinking I needed."

His face started to light up. "And?"

She took a deep breath. "Yes," she said simply. "Yes, Sam, I'll marry you."

His grin was so wide she thought his face might crack. He pulled her to him, his eyes shining with joy, and kissed her long and hard.

"Are you sure?" he whispered in her ear, when they finally stopped for lack of breath.

For a moment Lee's voice rang in her ears. _You will frak it up, Kara. You always do. You can't help yourself._

She took a deep breath and pushed the memory fiercely away. _No. I can do this. I'll make it work. I won't let him win._

"I'm sure," she said firmly.

Sam kissed her again, and for several minutes they just stood there, wrapped around each other, breathing each other in.

Finally Sam let her go. "I think this calls for a celebration."

Kara smiled. "And I seem to remember you have a bottle of ambrosia just waiting for a special occasion. Was this what you were waiting for?"

"Could be." Sam grinned. "I must admit I still can't believe you said yes. I was afraid the great Starbuck would never let herself be tied down."

_Tied down? _she thought. _But I'm not tied down any more. I'm free._

_I've been tied to Lee for years, but now I'm free of him. I'm soaring high.  
_  
She just wasn't used yet to flying alone.

**The End**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Authors Note:**

I'm afraid it's not a very happy ending. However, the idea of this story was basically just 'What did Lee & Kara fall out about during the missing year?' so it was never going to end happily. I do feel bad for them, so if inspiration strikes (because at the moment I have no idea how to get them back from this) I will write a sequel sorting them out.

However, I have promised SG1SamFan that the next story (which is already in progress) will have a happy ending and I mean to stick to that :-)

Thanks very much to everyone who has reviewed this story, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.


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